Lord of the Rings The Truth
by xthinkxhappyxthoughtsx
Summary: This story was written by my teenage brother, be afraid be very afraid. Basically is a parody of the Lord of the Rings, and I found it funny when I read it. You may find it funny, you may be insulted, read it and give it a go.


**The Lord of The Rings...**

**The Truth!**

A/N by LegolasGreenleafGilEstel I know this story is not brilliant, but I didn't write it, though I thought it was funny. Please, any of you that find it insulting to the Tolkiens masterpeace and therefore feel as though you have to flame it, please don't address them to me but to my brother Matthew, as I didn't not write this and therefore do not wish to accept the flames. Thank You.

I have not read the book but have seen bits of the films and get the basic plot but there was something seriously wrong with what Tolkien wrote. He wants us to believe that a group of boys left to wander the countryside alone did nothing... they did what they were meant to and not much else. I mean did he never watch Road Trip?

I don't think he did.

Read on.

To start, notice that the four nobbits were not wearing shoes. That was a bet to see who could go the longest without shoes.

Anyway (_Dramatic Pause)_ they were about five minutes down the road and the nobbits were arguing about Incubus's latest album. Murry thinks that the latest one is the best but Pippie thinks that Make Yourself is the best. ( _by the way the latest is best but Drive is a great song._) Sam had just mooned a child and got a spanking from Gandalf the red nosed wizard. This meant he was walking like a duck much to the amusement of Giblet and legless (_a nickname earned by his drinking habits...his real name is Trevor but he doesn't like it_). The humans Acorn and Brummy were talking cricket with Frogo playing with the ring (_oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh_) seeing how much of his tongue he could fit through it.

The intrepid group had made it to a big field about an hour away from the place they started out of and Pippie had produced some beer. Murry was now very merry (_clever rhyming_), Acorn and Brummy were arm wrestling and Giblet was comatose (_completely skewered_) on the floor. The rest were listening to Gandalf the red nosed wizard telling the story of how his last girlfriend dumped him so he turned her in to a fish which he now had in his sitting room at home in a little bowl.

Then out of no where a breeze gathered and a large bird turd (_clever rhyming_) landed between Gandalf and Pippie. Legless (_who was off his face_) looked skyward and said, "what the hell are those?"

"Your Mum" replied Pippie. Legless went to punch him but completely missed falling in a pile of Bill the ponies manure. "No" said Gandalf "They are evil crows wat dat pikey uses to spy on us". Legless hauled himself to his feet and cried "I'll shoot them". He reached for his bow only to find that Frogo was flossing his teeth with the bow string. They struggled and the bow was wrenched out by Legless and sent flying. It hit the Inebriated Giblet who woke up and seeing the crows yelled "No one tosses a Dwarf...Or wakes them up" Then a crow dumped on him. He looked up and swung out his trusty 12 bore shotgun. As he stood up he fell down sending the first round into a tree knocking apples onto Gandalf. However the second shot got the buggers and with Gandalf quickly producing an Uzi, most were killed.

"Great, Dinner" Said Sam grabbing some crows and rubbing his distended gut.

Gandalf stood and proclaimed (_Dramatic pause_) "He knows where we are and so we must head over the big mountain"

"Can we finish the beer first?" Asked Murry.

"Yes"....

Next chapter or next bit whatever.

As the band of top blokes approached the mountain a chill grew around them as they saw what lay ahead. The mountain was friggin huge and very pointy. They stopped as Giblet had to go and there weren't many trees on the big mountain.

They began the climb. Murry and Pippie had moved onto Guitar solo's and were arguing about the best they knew. They were: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd, Sweet Child O Mine by Guns and Roses and the base solo's in The Chain by Fleetwood Mac and No One Knows by Queens of the Stone Age. Acorn and Brummy were discussing Fishing and Cricket.

Little did they know that this particular mountain was black belt in Kung Fooey and was going to try to kill them...................(are you scared?...........No me neither BUT I am drunk).

They got about half way up managing to avoid fighting too much because the red nosed wizard (who at the time had a cold red nose) had threatened to castrate them all if they arsed around. However Frogo was bored so was trying to roll his tongue and fit it through the ring (_eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk). _Unfortunately he managed to get his tongue frozen to it so looked like a complete tit. They were about half way up when half the mountain fell on them. Giblet and the other midgets were buried immediately but Legless was still swaggering above the snow like the ratted hero he was. Acorn and Brummy were having a snowball fight and were shocked when Red nose announced they were under attack and to dig the shrimps out and run for it. They did. They ran all the way down (like the grand old duke of York) like a bunch of big sissy nancy boys (and elves etc.). At the bottom they stopped to catch their breath......... and Giblet who had rolled the last half because he tripped on a loose lump of cheese (I've been drinking).

That was a big scare for the band of tits as they almost died (and in some cases almost filled their pants). Oh and by the way Frogo's tongue defrosted and the ring (_fiddly widdly woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo) _fell out. Gandalf did say that if he did it again then he would insert a large branch somewhere that Frogo would rather was kept branch free.

This slight drama out of the way they started to argue about what to do next. Frogo (who had a sore tongue and was talking with a lisp) wanted to go to the caves as did Giblet as he wanted to meet big puppa dwarf. The others didn't. Then Legless who was up a tree keeping lookout (for a pub) spotted some animals in the background. Legless called out "There are some things out there....and they are coming this way"

"What are they?" asked Murry.

"Aghk they be Wargs they be"

"Who said that?"

"Why it be me Archie McBuntyBoogleMoogleWoogle the famous Scottish Drunkard"

"Why is that special, most Scots are drunk"

"No ye mean Irish"

"Sorry"

"It be OK... I be special because I be from the ancient line of the Clan McDrunkas-a-skunk".

"I heard of you"

"Wait just tell us what Wargs are mate" Interrupted Acorn

"They be wolves but with a different name to make 'em sound mystical"

"I don't like Wolves" cried Legless climbing higher in the tree.

The wolves approached and about one hundred yards off, they began to run. Just as the first wolf was running under Legless's tree he dropped his arrows pinning the wolf to the ground. He himself then lost his grip and belly flopped onto a wolf. The others saw this and thought it was a deliberate act of bravery. They all copied him, scrambling up the nearest tree, emptying their pockets onto the wolves before jumping on one. There were a lot of wolves, but also the intrepid band had a lot of pointy stuff in their bags and pockets so quickly slaughtered the cute little beasts of doom.

"Wow Legless that was a great plan" called Giblet from the base of his tree.

"Well you know me...fearless".... Just then a wolf growled from underneath Murry and Legless screamed (like a girl) and leapt up a tree, his trousers looking slightly damp.

The band of barmy boozers (notice clever alliteration) headed for the caves of Maureen where the dwarfs, smurfs, and Oompa Loompas lived in perfect harmony, mining pixie dust and living a wonderful happy life. However like everyone, these vertically challenged little people had a problem. You all have one, you know the neighbour who always has their nose poked round the net curtain, scrutinizing everyone's visitors. The type of person who is ALWAYS watching, but if someone gets attacked or robbed they see nothing but do know that he/she had it coming.

Well the midgets had such a neighbour however it was much worse. Not only was it always watching (it was called Waldo the Watcher) but it was as ugly as Margaret Thatcher and had a voice like Victoria Beckham. But that wasn't it. It also had the habit of not just watching visitors, but eating them as well. As you can imagine the tiny people didn't get much post as the postmen were getting tired of losing colleagues every week. However, Gandalf the red nosed wizard knew of Waldo so had a plan. In the movie you see that they release the pony because it would be unfair to take him to through the caves. In fact they actually stuck him on a raft and floated him out to Waldo, to keep him occupied whilst they made a run for it to the caves.

Gandalf the Red nosed.... Blasted open the door with the super wand staff thingy 3000 and the tipsy travellers spilled through the door.

Giblet was overwhelmed; he had never seen so many mini men (and women) and was running around hugging everyone (like a friend of mine at a recent Party (trosfest)). Gandalf indulged in a discussion about staff polish and which was best with Big Papa Smurf, whilst Murry and Pippie were racing Oompa Loompas. Frogo got a dam good thrashing from a Basil Fawlty look alike for trying to nick Pixie dust.

Anyway, after a hearty meal of pixie pie, topped off with liquidised postman (courtesy of Waldo) the brigade left to delve still deeper into the cave, Frogo still carrying the ring (ooooooooooooooomavis).

To keep their spirits up they decided to sing a song;

_I climb up on my faithful steed_

_Then we're gonna ride _

_Gonna smoke some weed_

Just then sobbing could be heard, it was Murry, Pippie and Sam. Sam was crying because he no longer had a faithful steed, whilst Murry and Pippie were upset that they no longer had any weed.

Anyway, by now the group were deep inside Maureen and making good progress, when they encountered the dreaded Orcs. Now Orcs are effectively ancient Pikies. Basically, they are tall, ugly, cannot speak properly (innit) add this to crap dress sense and the fact that they have the intelligence of a Carrot that dropped out of Carrot school and you have a pretty dumb animal (Poor example I know but you get the Idea. Well have you ever met a smart Pikie?).

So these bumbling fat idiots charged at our hero's, like an Aussie sportstar but without the grace, (Like their rugby team HA 22-17 MR WEB ELLIS LIVES HERE NOW). Giblet once more called on his extensive weaponry and pulled out a purple fluffy chain saw and started merrily hacking away at Orcs left, right and centre. Legless having removed his arrows from the wolves let fly, missing them all but getting a few when the arrows ricocheted off the walls of Maureen. He may have been good with a bow but was, may I remind you, constantly drunk. The others used what they could; Gandalf was having fun using the magic stick to make Orcs spin on the spot whilst Brummy sliced them to bits. The others used swords and pictures of Madonna (well she scares me anyway). Again somehow the drunk, scared and psychotic group won against all the odds. But then a greater threat came, a Bullfrog (I mean Balrog). This was a relative of the Leprechauns that also lived in the cave but much bigger.

Nothing that had killed the Orcs worked on this creature. The brave drunks ran at him in turn and no-one succeeded, until Giblet tried. He ran at the Bullfrog and raised his mighty axe. He did not use it as the Bullfrog fell down instantly, In fact everyone did, for you see he had not had a bath since they started and now smelt even worse than your granddad when he has been at the scotch. Luckily, the others had been standing further away and so recovered quicker than the Bullfrog. They were crossing the bridge when the Bullfrog finally gave chase, and that was to be a terrible moment for them all.

They had all got across the bridge when it collapsed, meaning that the Bullfrog could no longer follow them. Pippie ran back to the edge and started waving at the stranded beast, when he swung round, arms outstretched and knocked Gandalf straight off the bridge (It says in the book he knocked a skeleton down a well but they were just covering for the idiot).

"You Twat" cried Brummy

"Gandalf!!!!" wailed Frogo

"Wilma" yelled Murry.

The fact was clear, Gandalf the red nosed wizard was gone, The Grandalf Duke of York, had marched them to the top of the mountain and now had fell down a big hole in the ground. Slowly they left thinking of him......and the pub.

The group were as you can imagine, very sombre as a result of the tragedy that had occurred. Things got worse, when they realised that Gandalf had the only set of keys to their holiday home on the beach were the annual Elf vs. Dwarf vs. Nobbit volleyball match occurred, a highlight of the year for the boys as once a year (annually) all the pretty girls played volleyball on the beach. This was a real terrible part of the trip for the lads. So they decided to discuss the idea of going to lochlalala. Each of the boys had a different view of this idea.

Legless really wanted to go there because it was the biggest elf land in the world. The pubs are great and like I said it is really big, just like Disney Land Orlando is the biggest. Also the oldest elf in the world lives there, however more important is the pubs.

Giblet didn't want to go there because he thought that the oldest elf (Gabbyel) was a witch and he hates elves because he is a dwarf.

Acorn wanted to see his great Gran in law (???????????????) and again liked the pubs.

Brummy didn't like it because he didn't trust the elves (look at the ears).

The Nobbits didn't really care but wanted to avoid more Orcs so Frogo said they would go there. By the way I just finished my GCSE's so I am really happy wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Finally they decided to go to lochlalala simply because they could not think of anywhere else.

They finally arrived, legless slowly mumbling "the volleyball" over and over again occasionally lashing out and whacking Pippie before returning to the mumbling. Getting to Elf land did lift his spirits though.....mainly because once he got there he started consuming spirits.

I must warn you that I relay this part of the story at about half twelve having consumed several beers and I am listening to Incubus, a great band, so some of what I say may be a bit weird.

Anywho, I am now writing having just got my GCSE results (3 A 7A and a B). I am now writing whilst listening to guns and roses.

Anyway Frogo went to see Gabbyel a creepy witch type person. In the book it claims that she sees inside his head... CRAP. The fact is that she sold him some marajawana... so as you can imagine he was hallucinating... Not having visions.

So Gabbyel and Frogo are lying there stoned and she shoved a mirror in front of him. So therefore instead of seeing his reflection he sees a scary face and promptly legs it into the woods to poo himself. They never met again.

I am now listening to tenacious D. The rest of the fellowship found Frogo face down dribbling and crying. They dragged him back to their hotel (4 star....they had Gandalf's credit card) and left him blubbering in the bath.

The next day Frogo was better but adamant that they left. Legless agreed as did Giblet. Legless was happy to leave as he had been kicked out of every bar he had found and Giblet had been in so many fights it was getting hard to see out of his left eye. The rest just agreed to avoid argument.

Upon leaving, the group were given gifts. Legless was given a bottle of Gin and a list of all the bars which had him on their wall of shame. Murry and Pippie got some marajawana from Gabbyel as they wanted to try some. Acorn and Brummy got the numbers of the elves that they had met in a pub. Frogo got an action elf and Giblet got given some growth hormones as a joke from the elves that had beaten him up. Sam got a stuffed pony which made him think of his pony, hence more crying by him.

Another bonus was that they got some cool boats to ride down river. Little did they know tragedy was about to befall them once more (_Notice typical dramatic wording)_.

The chain round Frogo's neck that held the ring (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabubboooooooooodle) was going green (cheap bling innit) so he took it off...Bad mistake (_More dramatic language)._ As no one was looking Brummy hid the ring in his shirt. No one had noticed when half a mile downstream he asked for a pee. Agreeing the boats pulled to the side.

Brummy hopped out grabbing his waist and ran behind a tree. Legless was just making a joke about bladder control when from behind the tree a harsh cry echoed, accompanied with a strange buzzing.

The group raced round the tree to find a very peculiar sight. Before them lay Brummy. He was dead but he had gone a weird red colour (like my ex chemistry teacher), his hair was all on its end and he had a really shocked if slightly dead expression in his eyes. The group all commented on the tragedy.

"Oooh"

"Aaah"

"Urgh"

It would appear that he had gone for a pee and not noticed the electric fence, and Girls and Boys, as we all know water conducts electricity. I will leave you to guess what happened; simply saying that any boys reading this will feel sorry for the bloke and the pain he would have suffered as well as the sudden change in his voice.

However the mood changed to anger when the group saw in his hand a shiny gold ring..... **THE** ring (_eerie shrieking violin music_). The group buried the traitor and went on their way.

They had barely got going however when Orcs (_Ohhh no cue more scary dramatic music and lighting) _swung from the trees Tarzan style. Two or three hit the tree opposite like Tarzan or George of the Jungle. However 2 actually grabbed Murry and Pippie. Acorn gave chase heroically (_you know the sort..... slow motion running with an expression on his face half way between anger and constipation_) but could not reach his fallen brothers (_such great language (A English Lit)). _

The group sat round a fire heads bowed considering what to do next. Several were crying and legless was desperately tapping the last drops of vodka from his hip flask.

However _(I say however a lot Don't I)_ it was Acorn who spoke first. He proclaimed (_Wow what a word)_ that Sam and Frogo should leave for their own good as they would be less easy to spot on their own what with them being so small.... And besides they were all thoroughly peed off about Sam's constant crying and Frogo's weird hair.

So there it was the pair decided there and then that they would go on alone. So with a tear in their eyes they wandered off into the sunset looking over their right shoulders once before blending in to the sunset to a slow and sad musical piece possibly with a harmonica, I can't quite remember, (_just like in all the old westerns and love movies, you know... The cheesy cruddy ones._)

This concludes the first half of my Triology. Damn I meant Trilogy, although triology is more appropriate as it is a parody of trilogy, just like my story. Maybe Trilogym would be better? Anyway I don't care. The fact is I did not mean to cause offence I just think it is a dumb book based on Wales and Birmingham and the black country and I don't like it but do enjoy taking the mickey out of it hence the story.

This is a light hearted attempt to poke fun and I didn't mean to cause offence, but if I did I don't care.

**GROW UP!!! GET OVER IT!!! IT IS JUST A STORY!!!!**

Feel free to review as you see fit, I will welcome **all **comments **good OR bad** and who knows, if I like it I may just be able to fit you into the next part.

Thank you for taking the time to read my work... I would like to thank my sister for the basic story line from the book. And my Mum and My dad and my Fish without whom none of this would have been possible (_sobbing and heartfelt reminiscent tears) _I love you all (_More crying_).

Seriously though Cheers and please review as I need to see them before my next masterpiece.

**PS**

This story is on my sisters account. She is one of you. She likes the story and did not write this version don't look badly on her if you don't like it. Simply have a go at me as I am a teenage boy generally to sleepy/Drunk/ignorant to be insulted. However if it wasn't for her I would not have known the basic plot so in a way it is her fault....So go ahead and Blame,

**BLAME HER!!!!!!! THIS TRAVESTY IS HER FAULT.**


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